Broken and Restored
Yesterday me and my family attended church. I remember praying with my wife in the morning, “Lord, prepare our hearts today that we may welcome you in our hearts as we worship you with the congregation”. I didn’t realize nothing could prepare my heart for what would happen that day for God chose not to.
A few days earlier, I was on my knees, saying “I’m sorry Lord, I have failed you. I have sinned against you.”
I asked Him “Is it possible that I will never ever sin again until the day I die or until the day you come?” as if I never knew the answer. I was repentant but I felt that it is not enough. I felt that true repentance can only come form Him. I felt I want God to deal with me personally over my sin. I wanted to be right with God but I felt desperate that there’s nothing I can do. I couldn’t even forgive myself.
The reason behind this I believe is that I was so complacent for the past few weeks that when sin presented itself I thought I could touch it without being burned. Just like what Eve thought,
“maybe I can come near this tree, I just want to have a look at it, I don’t have to touch it”.
Not knowing that the tempter has been waiting there all along. The fact is, that is how sin always presents itself. It presents itself harmless and innocent that if the person dared for a moment to come close, he is entangled with it even before he knew it.
After that fall, I felt the constant battle within me. I felt the crushing blow of sin against my fellowship with God. I felt the peace slowly departing. At the same time I was crying to God for help.
I felt loosing the touch and the intimacy of God. We had a bible study that Thursday night, and we prayed for forgiveness of sins. It didn’t seem to help. The following morning-which is yesterday, we went to church. I felt half sincere and guilty. I thought about the people worshipping, and I said,
“I have no right to speak, I’m a sinner, lost and full of shame.”
As the people sang, I uttered a small prayer in my mind “Lord, just one word, restore me”. After another song I prayed again “Lord break me, lead me to repentance”
I felt the hopelessness of King David as he wrote “my sin is ever before me” in psalm 51. Actually my heart is tainted with doubt and unbelief at the same time I was telling myself “this wont work, Im a sinner” theres no hope for me”.
As the Pastor concludes his message from Genesis 3 (the fall), I felt this overwhelming presence. A strong feeling of guilt over my sins enveloped me. I was standing on the side aisle to hush my son David, as the Pastor who was teary-eyed himself said
“this is what God tells you, I paid for that on the cross, lay it down before the cross, I will take it away” my eyes felt heavy as I tried to contain the tears. I bowed down pretending to meditate on his words. I couldn’t help the tears flowing. I sat down and gave the baby to my wife, still trying to hide the overwhelming emotion that comes from a guilty heart of a son being embraced by a forgiving Father. The pastor continues the very words that God wanted me to hear ,
“And if you are afraid that you would fall again, stay close to me, if your afraid about anything stay close to me, if you’re worried about your work, spend it with me, I have forgiven you”.
I sobbed profusely trying to contain all the sounds, fighting back the tears. I knew there are people behind that probably see me. But there’s nothing I can do to hide. 3 things I asked of Him in prayer, only 2 of them He answered. I asked that He prepares my heart, He didn’t and I am thankful that he didn’t prepare me for that. I asked that He break my heart to repentance, his love for me made me realize my brokenness. He didn’t break me by saying “you are a sinner” he break me by saying “I love you”. I asked him for one word. He spoke to me every word I needed to hear. Even now as I remember it, I am a man and a Father, but I wept like a boy before my heavenly Father who loves me.